To me, no game has made me ever question humanity more so than After Injury Frozen Anna. And we shall delve into that a little later. First I want to discuss my year of gaming on tablets. I bought my Nexus 7 earlier this year and have occasionally browsed the Play Store looking for titles to try out. The Simpsons Tapped Out was a horrible affair, but the very similar game Family Guy: The Quest for Stuff had me playing almost every day for about a month before I finally gave up.
Some of you may be thinking "But the Family Guy game just copied The Simpsons" and it quite clearly stole the concept. But it got the execution far better. Within minutes of playing Tapped Out I was given the errand of sending Lisa into the Qwik-E-Mart for 24 hours. And when I came back the next day, and the next, I had to perform exactly the same errand to progress. It was, put simply, shit. Whereas Family Guy's missions varied. Occasionally you did have to repeat stuff but it was in tangent with a brand new quest and it therefore felt like there was a purpose. But then I reached the point where the only way to progress quickly was to start paying for micro-transactions. And so I stopped there.
There have been very few apps that I actually purchased. I did purchase the Pointless game but after playing just one game I felt as thought it had been a, pun intended, completely pointless purchase. It was a very shallow experience and did not match up to other things such as The Million Pound Drop or The Chase.
I did come across a couple of gems - Don't Touch the Spikes is exactly what Flappy Bird should have been. Flappy Bird is a shallow game that uses the frustration of low scores to reel you in for just one more go whereas Spikes actually feels rewarding. And it gets free updates adding new game modes like Duelling or the Cave and the Park. And these extra modes, for the most part, don't feel tacked on. They feel like a natural evolution of the game. Which probably goes so way of explaining why I've played the main game 714 times and 76 of the 120 challenges (there were only 100 the other day).
Quiz Up as well is fantastic. I like quiz games and this one is quite extensive with a large range of categories and sub categories up to the point where you can become the local, or countrywide, champion of things like Doctor Who, Community or Modern Family. It pits you against other players from across the world in your chosen subject and sets you against the clock to answer a series of questions. If you answer correctly quickest you get more points, and whoever had the most points wins.
After seeing that Kim Kardashian's Hollywood had become a big talking point, I took the plunge. Just like that time I finally watched Hollyoaks to see if it would melt my brain. And neither of them did. In fact, Kim's game was actually half-decent and I didn't feel forced into giving them my money to progress. My first girlfriend did dump me, however, because I didn't buy her enough shit. Bitch, do you want me to buy a fucking house so we can do the sex in or would you rather me live under the bridge with Tony and get your new $15,000 dress all shit up? I did eventually get a second girlfriend but much like Nintendogs I've stopped playing and left her there. And I'm hoping, like Nintendogs, when I eventually return she's still alive and just needs a bath, a nice drink of water and some biscuits before we're best buds again.
But now to our main article. The reason I'm writing this. As I perused through the Play Store to find something else to play, something caught my eye. And that something was After Injury Frozen Anna. Before we continue, here is it's store listing:
I'm hoping your reaction is quite similar to mine - What the fuck is that? I know what Frozen is. I know who Anna is. But what the fuck is going on? Why have 1 million people downloaded this? Why is it rated 3.3 stars? So naturally, to find out what was going on, I became part of the 1 million club and hit Install.
|The title screen|
Why is she nekkid? How come the tray of medical utensils, which I assume I am about to use given that an arrow is pointing to the tweezers, is floating in the air? Anna looks just as disturbed as I am at this point. Who would make this? (the answer is provided in both the store listing, and the bottom right of the game screen - DollyGals) Why is this a thing?
Frozen is a nice animated film. And now there is an app where I can perform facial surgery on a naked version of Anna. This is creepier than some rule 34 of Frozen I've seen. I've been to the weird part of the internet. And even they would say this is too much. Naturally, I picked up the tweezers.
And now we've zoomed in on her face. So I picked out the sweetcorn, or whatever shit was stuck in the side of her face, and got to stitch up the wound before applying some plasters to her.
After applying the plaster, some time passes in-game and eventually you get to take it off. And then we are greeted with something that isn't as creepy but is still pretty weird.
Anna is now all better, and has decided to wear a bra. And there are options to dress her up in various different ways. And I'm glad it ended this way. I'm glad that after going through a pretty horrific experience that in the end it was all basically just a glorified character customiser. Because this actually could have been much worse. There might not have been a character customiser at the end. Anna could have ended up dead, ravaged by beasts who scattered her body parts everywhere. But it didn't. Although I am now wondering if that game exists. Or maybe that ex-girlfriend on Kim Kardashian's Hollywood got stabbed by Tony under the bridge. I guess there's some things we'll never find out.